In Conversation with Sandra Pertot: Working with couples with differences in sexual expectations, wants and needs

Mismatched libidos (differences in sexual interest) is the most common cause of distress in a sexual relationship. In a culture that is seen as sexually enlightened, it is usually the partner who has “low libido” who is most likely to be seen as the one causing the problem, yet this is an oversimplification of the complexities of an intimate relationship. Libido is much more than how often a person wants sex: it encompasses many elements, including what triggers arousal and what dampens it, the importance of sex compared to other parts of a relationship, the meaning of sex for each individual, what is pleasurable during sexual activity, and so on. This talk outlines the concept of libido types as a model for describing individual differences in sexual interest. This model borrows from the theory of personality types, and provides an equal but different framework to assess and treat couples presenting with mismatched libidos.

This talk aims to

• present a model for describing these differences in sexual interest: “libido types”;

• describe the process whereby two people can end up in sexual conflict and distress through misunderstanding their own and/or their partner’s libido type;

• present treatment strategies to help couples understand and reconcile their differences on an “equal but different” basis;

• recognize success in terms of a “good enough” sexual relationship;

• acknowledge that achieving a mutually satisfying sexual relationship may not be possible for all couples.